May 31

May 31 I'm a bad activist, but I'm learning

I am hesitant to write what I am feeling because I do not want to be a white woman making an issue of race about her. However, I am working to find my voice so that I can be a better ally for black people and all people of color.

The best approach to improving any skill is to practice and learn from mistakes. Unfortunately, the same can be said for activism. I say “unfortunately” because the mistakes that may occur as a result of trying to be a better ally have much more serious implications than a bruised knee acquired while learning to skateboard. Activism is hard.

Protests are happening around the country after another senseless murder of an innocent, unarmed black man went viral. These protests (which now make up the largest protest in our country’s short history) have turned violent. Nationwide looting, fires, physical altercations with police – our 24-hour news circuit is struggling to keep up.

Everywhere I look, I see evidence of the revolution. No, not the impending revolution. Not the revolution of our hypothetical future. The revolution that is happening right now. The revolution is not new, but it is news. As I see it play out around me – on TV, on social media, on signs of support taped to living room windows, in the streets outside my apartment, in the lobby of my vacant office building –I keep asking myself, “what should I be doing?”

And here’s where the unproductive self loathing comes in – I know what I should be doing. I should be in the streets. Arm in arm with the other protestors. Using my body to shield my black brothers and sisters from the police as they loudly and unapologetically demand equality. I know that’s what I should be doing. Especially considering how loud I am on social media. How quick I am to condemn other white people for their complacency. But I’m not at the protests. I’m safe in my apartment, drinking a cup of coffee, and refreshing my Twitter feed from the comfort of my West Elm couch. Am I a hypocrite?

I know the answer to that question too – yes, I am. I should be ashamed of myself for shouting my opinions, thoughts, judgements into an already crowded cesspool of hate and rage. I should be embarrassed for all of the times I have angrily punched out a retort on my keyboard and returned to watching a Real Housewives marathon on Bravo. I should be ashamed, and I am.

I want to be better. I need to be better.

But first, I need to address the roadblocks in my own self that keep me from being better. The shame and self loathing have to go. They’re unproductive emotions that only lead to cynicism, apathy, and complacency. I need to rid myself of them so that I can better utilize that energy for good – for amplifying and supporting the voices of black people and other people of color.

What is the antidote for shame and self loathing? Forgiveness and compassion.

No, I did not attend any of the protests in Chicago yesterday. My fear kept me home. And for that, I am ashamed. But I forgive myself. I have to. Rather than focus on my past inaction, I will harness that energy to better advocate for the end of police brutality and racial injustice.

Moving forward, I will consciously and actively pursue education. I understand that people of color are not interested in educating white people about the systemic racism that is foundational to our country – and they shouldn’t have to.

When I see members of my community post inaccurate, prejudiced, or hateful social media posts, I will not scroll past. Instead, I will challenge their emotional rhetoric with a calm empathy rooted in historical evidence and facts. I am unskilled at many things, but I do believe I have a gift for words. And if I am not going to be in the streets, using my physical body to protect people of color as they demand the equality that is their god-given right, then I need to, at the very least, be using my words. And I believe, with thoughtful practice and continued education, I can do so effectively.

Confronting racism, biases, and misinterpretation of fact is a learned skill. It is not easy to write objectively. To tell someone they’re wrong without shutting them down completely. It is a learned skill that I am learning. And as I stated earlier, with learning comes mistakes.

I am learning how to respond to people. I am learning how to confront with compassion. I am learning how to challenge beliefs, ideas, and culture in a productive and empathetic way that doesn’t just add to the noise. I am learning how to discern when my voice is necessary and when I should shut the hell up and let people of color be heard. I am learning, and I have made mistakes along the way. And I will continue to make mistakes.

But I will not let fear of inevitable missteps and misspeakings hold me back. I will do my absolute best to listen to people of color, consume content created by people of color, confront and challenge perspectives (including my own), ask questions, and most importantly, to love.